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Chapter 1: Nice Flaptop!
Author's Note: Oh my--it's been far too long since I've done a new fanfic! I had a lot of fun with this one...maybe a little TOO much fun. :P So I wanted to explain to you the format before you start in order to prevent reading confusion. What you're about to see is me having a discussion with Draco Malfoy. You'll find what I have to say in the regular font and his in the italicized font. And hopefully the rest will make sense to you as the story unfolds...
Thanks so much for giving this crazy story a try--it's good to be back!!
Hey, Purple, nice flaptop…
Draco Malfoy! What are you doing here? And it’s not a flaptop, it’s a LAPTOP.
Whatever. You muggles have the barmiest names for things anyway.
Speaking of laptops, you’re supposed to be in the laptop, not out here looking at it! I was getting ready to write another Hogwarts series fanfic and I need you in there right now!
Relax, Purple…I have an even better idea. That’s why I’m here.
Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?
I think you should let ME try writing the new story.
Now why would I in my right mind let YOU write something, Draco? You’re supposed to be in the story! And besides, how do I even know you can write?
Merlin’s balls, Purple, this is NOT FAIR! You let that blasted Scarhead Potter take over in that Ramshackle story and he put me in purple satin pants and tried to make me do a bloody interpretive dance! I think I deserve a crack at writing after so many readers had such a good laugh at my expense!
Hmmm. Well, you do have a point, I guess.
You’re damn right I do!
Oh, all right…but I’m staying right here to make sure you don’t manage to get me kicked off of any fanfic sites or offend anyone important.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…now move over and let me at that claprop.
Whatever. Now pipe down…I’m creating…
DRACO MALFOY AND THE REALLY HOT SCANTILLY CLAD WITCHES WHO WANT HIM
Draco, you can’t write that.
Why the hell not?
Well first off, what kind of plot is it going to have?
I do. This could wreck my reputation as a writer on this site.
Buggeration, Purple, will you at least let me get started before you tell me it doesn’t have a plot? I mean, you can’t judge a book by its cover, right? Besides, you owe me!
*sigh* Okay, okay, okay. But I’m going to proofread as you write.
Fine. Let’s try this again…
DRACO MALFOY AND THE REALLY HOT SCANTILLY CLAD WITCHES WHO WANT HIM
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS AN INCREDIBLY GOOD LOOKING, SUPERIOR, AND ALL AROUND PERFECT WIZARD NAMED DRACO MALFOY.
Oh, brother. Don’t forget modest.
…AN INCREDIBLY GOOD LOOKING, SUPERIOR, MODEST, AND ALL AROUND PERFECT WIZARD NAMED DRACO MALFOY.
HE WAS SO FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC THAT EVERY WITCH WHO MET HIM BECAME COMPLETELY ENRAPTURED WITH HIS UTTER AWESOMENESS. EVERYWHERE HE WENT, HE WOULD CAUSE HUGE STAMPEDES OF WITCHES WHO CLAMORED TO GET A GLIMPSE OF HIS PERFECTION. AND SO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC DECREED THAT FOR THE SAFETY OF THE WIZARDING COMMUNITY, HE WOULD HAVE TO GO LIVE IN AN ISOLATED MANOR WHERE HE WOULD BE FREE TO BASK IN HIS OWN SUPREMACY WITHOUT CAUSING UNDUE FEMALE HYSTERIA.
Good Lord, I think I’m gonna hurl.
What? I’m not writing anything out of the ordinary here!
Are you kidding me?! This is the most ridiculous bit of nonsense I’ve ever read!
How do you know? I just got started! You let the Boy Who Kissed Arse get in a whole chapter before anyone stopped him! Now let me finish like you promised!
Oh, for crying out loud. Carry on…
AS SUPERBLY BRILLIANT AS DRACO WAS, HE STILL GOT LONELY. AFTER ALL, WHAT’S THE GOOD IN BEING SO BLOODY PERFECT IF THERE’S NO ONE AROUND TO APPRECIATE IT? SO ONE DAY HE CONTACTED THE MINISTRY ABOUT SENDING HIM SOME FEMALE COMPANY THAT WOULD BE WORTHY OF HIS UNDILUTED GLORY.
I’m going to need some Advil to get through this.
AND THE MINISTRY AGREED TO SEND HIM A WITCH AT A TIME UNTIL HE FOUND ONE THAT WAS SUITABLE.
ON THE DAY THAT THE FIRST WITCH WAS SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE, KING DRACO SEATED HIMSELF IN THE THRONE ROOM AND—
Wait a minute, wait a minute—hold it!! What do you mean, ‘King Draco’?
Well it’s MY bloody story isn’t it?
But you just became royalty mid-paragraph!
Hey Purple, are you going to let me finish this or not?
Yeah, I guess so. I have to admit I’m intrigued…in a morbid, mildly disgusted kind of way.
KING DRACO SEATED HIMSELF IN THE THRONE ROOM AND CALLED FOR HIS COURT JESTER…
“I’m not coming out! No way!!”
Harry, is that you?
“Yeah, and I refuse to come out in this get-up that git Malfoy’s put me in!”
You’ve got to come out, Potter! I’M in charge now—Purple said so!!
“Say it isn’t so, Purple! I don’t deserve this!”
Hurts when the shoe’s on the other foot, doesn’t it you buggering “Draco Malfoy wearing nothing but a pair of purple satin pants and a crown of oak leaves” writing prat!
He does have a point, Harry. Why don’t you come on out and let me see—it can’t be that bad, can it?
Draco, that’s just preposterous! I mean, I understand that the jester hat with all the bells on it and the curly shoes were necessary, but why did you have to put him in a dress?
It’s not a dress! It’s a jester’s tunic!
“It’s a bloody dress! I’ve got a petticoat on under this thing, for Merlin’s sakes!”
Quit whining or I’ll give you some frilly garters to go with it, Scarhead!
All right you two, stop it! Draco, you’d better get to a plot pretty darned quick or I’m taking my laptop back!
I would, if everyone would quit interrupting me…
AND KING DRACO LET HIS COURT JESTER AMUSE HIM UNTIL THE FIRST WITCH SHOWED UP.
Er, Draco? Why do you have Harry just standing there? I mean, you wrote that the court jester was supposed to amuse the King—uh, I mean, you.
Look at him, Purple! He’s pretty damn amusing in that stupid get-up, isn’t he?
“I told you! He’s just doing this to mess with me—this has nothing to do with the plot!”
Oh, shut it, Potter, I’m getting to it. In fact, here comes witch #1…
“In your dreams, Malfoy! I’m not coming out there! Especially not dressed like this!”
Now that sounded like Ginny Weasley…
Yeah, they all want me.
“Malfoy, what the hell do you mean bringing my girlfriend into your crackpot story? You’d better not lay your slimy ferret paws on her or I’ll—”
Bollockov…should have made the Court Jester mute.
Ginny, I’m afraid you’ll have to come out so I can at least see where this travesty of a tale is going.
“Blast! All right, then.”
THE FIRST WITCH THAT THE MINISTRY SENT WAS A RED-HAIRED HAREM GIRL WHO WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO FEED THE ILLUSTRIOUS KING MALFOY GRAPES AND MASSAGE HIS FEET ALL DAY.
“Malfoy, the only thing I’m going to do with these stupid grapes is shove them right up your pigheaded arse!”
BUT KING DRACO DISCOVERED THAT THIS RED-HAIRED WITCH WAS REALLY A BIG MOUTHED HARPY IN DISGUISE AND BANISHED HER FROM HIS COURT.
“Hey, Gin, you think you can keep the harem-girl outfit, though? You do look pretty smashing in it.”
Shut it, Potter…I can still make the Court Jester mute if I want.
SO THEN KING DRACO AWAITED THE ARRIVAL OF THE NEXT WITCH. THIS TIME THE MINISTRY—WELL AWARE OF THE KING’S SUPERIORITY—SENT HIM IDENTICAL TWINS (BEING AS HE WAS TWICE AS GOOD AS ANY OTHER WIZARD ANYWAY).
This story ain’t getting any better, Draco.
No, wait—let the Patil twins get in here, first. I want to see these outfits.
“Padma, watch it! You almost knocked me over!”
“Sorry, Parvati—I can’t see in this fur suit!”
Draco, why do you have the Patil twins in Winnie the Pooh costumes and Hunny jars?
What?! Why are they all covered up in those yampy outfits? They’re supposed to have the lingerie, high heels and those long ears! The Maytoy Hunnys!
*snort* Do you mean the Playboy Bunnies??
Oh. Yeah, I suppose so…
“Malfoy, you’re even thicker than you look! You know less about muggles than you do about being a decent person, and that’s saying a lot!”
Watch it, Potter, or I’m going to give you a ruffly pink parasol to go with that dress.
Draco, you need to get to some kind of point in this story pretty fast or I’m taking my laptop back!
Hold on, hold on…
THE TWIN WITCHES DIDN’T WORK OUT EITHER AND THE MINISTRY DIDN’T KNOW WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE WORTHY OF HIS ROYAL MALFOYNESS, SO THEY DECIDED TO SEND HIM A TROUPE OF DANCING GIRLS—
“Excuse me? Might I give it a give it a go before you bring in the dancing girls?”
Oi, Granger, what are you doing here? I thought you were studying.
“I was, but Ginny came into our dormitory in bad temper and a very strange outfit. I thought I should at least come here and see what’s going on.”
Nothing’s going on…I’m just writing a story for Purple.
“You are? Then what do you need dancing girls for?”
It’s because he was going to use them to signal the arrival of the third and most important witch—you, Hermione! Isn’t that right, Draco?
Yeah…yeah, that’s it! Granger, why don’t you go to the entrance of the King’s throne room and I’ll write your arrival…
AND SO THE THIRD WITCH ARRIVED. THIS WITCH WAS PARTICULARLY HOT BECAUSE SHE WAS DRESSED IN A SKIN TIGHT LEATHER MINIDRESS AND THIGH-HIGH BOOTS.
“Draco Malfoy, I will wear no such thing!”
“Hey, Malfoy, you’re slipping—she’s still in her Hogwarts uniform! Why don’t you put me back in my uniform, too? These tights are starting to chafe!”
Shut UP, Potter! Hey, Purple, why didn’t that work? Granger didn’t change at all! What gives?
I think I have an idea why, but why don’t you keep writing…maybe everything will adjust as you go along.
THE THIRD WITCH KNEW THAT IN ORDER FOR HER TO BE WORTHY OF THE KING, SHE HAD TO ENTICE HIM IN WAYS THAT NO OTHER WITCH COULD. LUCKILY, SHE WAS AN EXPERT IN SEDUCTION SPELLS.
“Draco, are you feeling all right? You sound a bit barmy! Anyway, I brought you some snacks from the Great Hall because you missed dinner…”
Dammit, Granger, could you stop being so bloody sweet for just one second and follow the blasted storyline?
She is following the storyline, Draco. Why don’t you keep writing…
SO SHE BEGAN TO WEAVE HER SPELL TO ENRAPTURE THE KING BY APPROACHING HIM AND MAKING A SENSUALLY SUGGESTIVE…SUGGESTION.
“Draco, would you like to come with me to the library to study? We have that exam in Charms tomorrow and we really need to prepare for it!”
Bugger me! Granger, that is NOT a sensually suggestive suggestion! You’re not following the directives of the bloody story!
“For the last time, Malfoy, I want out of this dress!”
SUDDENLY, INEXPLICABLY, THE COURT JESTER WAS STRUCK MUTE.
That’s better. Now Purple, why is this writing bunk not working on Granger? She’s supposed to be an irresistible witch!
You don’t see it yet, do you, Draco? Just keep writing.
KING DRACO EYED THE HOT WITCH UP AND DOWN AND SAID, “IF YOU’RE GOING TO ENTICE ME, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT—I AM USED TO BEING PROPSITIONED BY EVERY WITCH I MEET! JUST WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER ME THAT’S SO MUCH MORE SPECIAL THAN EVERYBODY ELSE?”
“Well, nothing, Draco, but I do care for you more than all of those other witches.”
GRANGER. That’s not…that’s…
“I love you, Draco.”
Merlin’s bloody blue balls.
Shall I tell you now, Draco?
Tell me what?
The reason why Hermione didn’t change into some tight black leather-clad irresistible witch in your bizarre little story is because it wasn’t necessary for her to. You already find her irresistible, just the way she is.
“Oh, Draco! That’s got to be the loveliest thing I’ve ever heard!”
Aw…geez. Well, don’t get used to it, Granger. I have a reputation to maintain.
I think this is my cue to leave the two of you alone…unless you have anything else left you want to add?
Yeah, just one more thing…
BEFORE THE KING SNOGGED THE HOT WITCH SILLY, HE FOUND A MUCH BETTER USE FOR HIS MUTE COURT JESTER…
“Hee haw! Heeee haaaaaw!!”
…A ROYAL ASS.
“Draco, Harry’s my best friend—that wasn’t very nice!”
Heh heh…no, it wasn’t. And neither am I. Now get over here, you hot witch, you…