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Chapter 196: Forget to Live, Live to Forget
I do not regret what I did that night. I do not look back upon those hours and wish I could take them back. I look back upon the years before that night and wish I could erase a long, painful past. If I could do that, the night need not happen at all.
But time is not so kind and magic not so powerful. Magic cannot change the decisions you made. It cannot change your desires and aspirations. It cannot change who you truly are. Only pretend to provide a way out of being human. In the end, I will always be a Malfoy. Even if just by marriage, the name is mine to wear.
Magic cannot change who we are, but perhaps that night has a chance of doing what magic fails to achieve. If I had not done what I had done, wouldn’t we all be dead? Some of us alive, but living under Voldemort is worse than death.
If I had not done what I had done, the world would be destroyed. Harry Potter would be dead. I do not regret what I have done.
I am only a mother! I am no Death Eater! I am no loyal servant! I am a mother who worries and cries and shines with pride. And laughs. And loves. That is all that I am. All I ever wanted to be.
How did we go so far astray? How did we lose sight of all of our youthful dreams!? We wanted to travel the world--see the most elegant of places. We wanted to have a family. We wanted to be a family. When did that become so corrupted with evil? When did we lose sight?
Will anyone know my story? Will anyone know what I did? Will I ever be redeemed?
Or will I be passed off as some Death Eater idiot who could not tell the difference between life and death?
I just wanted my family again. I wanted my husband. I wanted him to see that it was never worth it. I wanted him to know that I did not care about wealth or status, but just loving him. I wanted him to know that I forgave him for his mistakes. That I just wanted to go home.
I wanted my son. I wanted to show him a better life. A better way. I wanted to raise him right, but it was too late for that. My mistakes hurt him. My cowardice, my negligence. But I wanted him to know that his life was not over. That he had a chance to be redeemed. That he could still make something of himself. Something better.
I wanted him to know. I wanted him to live. Live free.
All of us, together. But what a broken family we have become.
Can we start over? Can we forget?
I will never forget. Because if I forget, I will not regret. And if I do not regret, the future looks even dimmer than the past.