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Badgers, Blushing and Gods of Lurve by LaylaBethJagger
Chapter 9: Both Kind of Idiots
Both Kind of Idiots
“You know!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as I was being carted down the hallway. “Someone’s going to hear—slash—see this. And when they do I’m gonna get this stupid thing off my head and kick all of your poopers...!”
I heard a snort, but that was the extent of their response.
“Someone’s gonna see this! Or they’re gonna hear me screaming.”
A spell-ularly modified voice sounded confused. “You’re not screaming.”
I screamed. “I AM NOW!!! HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!”
I turned my head in the direction of wherever we were going. Everyone was at the great Hall right now, so they probably wouldn’t hear me shrieking.
Besides, I’m pretty sure after my first scream someone had taken away my voice and “silencio-ed” the crap outta me.
I took the time to bask in the glory of silence. Once again, there were so many un-thought thoughts that I finally had time to think.
Like, who the hell was carrying me—which, by the way, nice change from walking everywhere—and where the hell we could possibly be going.
Also, I haven’t said goodbye to any of my old friends.
I should have told Emily to shove her crap where the son doesn’t shine, and then for extra measure, I could have told her spitefully that she was obviously not as good as Dominique Weasley.
That would have been mean, but she deserted me. Totally deserves it.
I’d tell Oz and Charmaine to grab a hold of reality and get together already. I mean, for the love of all things magic.
I’d ask Eric what happened to him that made him hate the Potters, and the Weasleys and then I’d tell him to dump his ice queen of a girlfriend Penny and then give him a hug.
Then I’d tell Penny that she’s an ice queen.
And I should have already told Rose that she rocked as a tutor, and that she was just that level of perfection that I was, admittedly, a little jealous.
And I probably should have told Scorpius that it’s obvious Rosie has a thing for him, and that he’s quite funny despite how godlessly annoying he can be.
Same for Fred. Except that Rose doesn’t have a crush on him, because hello? Cousins?
And Albus? Well, I probably wouldn’t have told him that he is a god in my eyes and I may or may not have had dreams about having his babies.
And I mean the having part.
Not the making part.
I would not have told him any of that, if I didn’t want him to get a restraining order from my grave when they found my beaten body after these kidnappers are done with me.
I would have told Mum and Dad that even though they make me babysit little children who I kind of hate, that they’re wonderful. And that I would have been glad to take all of their money when they died.
I should have done more yoga.
That would mean that I was going to heaven.
Or something along those lines.
If I live through this encounter, I swear to god that I will change my ways. I will begin every morning with a salutation to the sun, and the morning.
Then I will have a healthy breakfast and run a triathlon.
...or a five minute jog to the lake and back.
“Can you hear me right now?” I said out loud, content with my plan for my future. Sure enough, I could not hear my own voice.
“Lollypops. Ice creams. Puppy Dogs. Cat. Horses. Poop. Smelly. Stinky. Cousin William. Cousin Thomas. Uncle Andy. Stupid Muggle neighbours.”
This is kind of fun. This’d be a good way to go.
“Muggle things. Judo. Violin. Party. TV. Celebrities. Harry Potter. Ron Weasley Hot guys. Do you think that Harry potter’s hot for an old guy? He might be... Ron Weasley kind of hot for an old guy. Like Draco Malfoy.”
Hang on a second. Did someone just say that? “Draco Malfoy.” Once again, the voice said Draco Malfoy at the same time.
“Draco Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Draco Malfoy—”
That’s easy to guess. They won’t get this.
“Yabbedy yebbedy Yibbdey yobbedy yubbedy—Bamenga beminga bimonga bomunga bumanga—Katanooga—wikkiwally pop—timeny topedy totedy lolety—mennalows mannaluppykins—”
“Does she know we’ve lifted the Silence Spell.”
That’s rather embarrassing.
I opened my eyes. The bag was definitely around my head, but when I tested my voice.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...” I tested.
Yep. That’s definitely my voice.
“Well, that’s embarrassing.” I concluded.
Whoever had me, and was holding me on their shoulders had halted somewhere, and were all laughing at me for whatever I said.
I have a hunch.
There is more than one of them.
“Oi,” I heard a new voice say. They all had these spell-ularly differentiated voices. “Make sure she can’t hear the password.”
THESE ARE STUDENTS?
“You’ll do no such thing!” I exclaimed, shocked at their behaviour. “I demand you unhand me at once.”
“You hear that? She demands that we unhand her.”
That sounds strangely like Fred Weasley. But he wouldn’t do something as terrifying as this. He wouldn’t stoop that low.
But that was all I heard. One more word, “Muffliato” and then there was a strange buzzing in my ears that had me instinctively swiping at my ears to kill what I thought were oncoming killer bees.
I watched a documentary on those guys one. It was really scary. They killed a lady.
Then I was moving again, then set me on my feet. The black bag, or blanket or what not was removed from my head and a whole lot of moving lights were pushed before my blurring vision.
“WE’RE SORRY!!!” a couple of people shouted at me.
“That was the funniest thing I have ever seen.”
“No it wasn’t. Be quiet, Scor.”
I woke to voices.
“Are you joking? It was hilarious. We went to all that trouble to carry her up here conscious. And then when we get her to your dorm, she ganks it—and faints.”
Not very nice voices, if I do say so myself.
“She’s fainted you insensitive pig.”
“Yet another adventure of Twinkle toes. She tries again, and she succeeds in making everyone who was around, piss themselves laughing.”
Wait a second. I know those voices.
“Whosere...?” I muttered blindly, pushing myself to a sitting position. The entire room swam into focus and I saw Rose’s anxious face staring at me. Then I saw Albus, Fred, and Scorpius, along with Hugo Weasley and Lily Potter as well as Liam Smithers.
“What. The. Hell.”
Scorpius was set off again, falling onto the nearest bed because he was laughing so hard.
I must have missed the humour.
“Now, now,” Fred shushed me. “Language in front of the children.”
I stare at him.
“Now, now,” I mimicked him. “Kidnapping in front of the children.”
Fred shrugged. “Nah, they’ve done that before.”
I stared at him.
I caught Liam’s eyes. “Hey Katie.” He said brightly. “I heard my brother’s angry at you.”
I frowned at him. “Did you now?” He nodded. “And how did you hear that?’
Was I the stuff of gossip for third years?
“Penny told me.”
My eyes narrowed.
“Don’t worry bout it, Kid,” I said, whilst still devising ways to kill Penny. Conniving little—
“Katie. You’re here for a reason.”
I looked around the room, thoughts of said ice queen leaving my head. “Aha...” I said nodding. “Speaking of here, anyone care to tell me where here is?”
Scorpius coughed, as if trying to cover another laugh.
I glowered at him.
“You’re in the Gryffindor Tower. The Seventh year dorm.”
My eyes bugged out of their skull.
“You mean the Gryffindor Tower? Boys or girls?”
Rose frowned. “Boys. Otherwise the guys couldn’t have come up the stairs.”
I began to hyperventilate.
“Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!” I said excitedly. “So many famous people have slept here...” I said, looking around the dorm.
“Katie,” Rose said seriously. “Focus.”
I looked at her, and caught her expression. I sobered up. “Rightie-Roo. I’m focused.”
Once again, Scorpius smirked.
Then a thought hit me. “Wait, why am I here?” I asked. “I thought you were angry at me too?”
Rosie sighed. “You looked kind of alone today, and I felt bad.”
“I wasn’t alone.” I said stubbornly. “Wallace and I are comrades in arms.”
“Who’s Wallace?” Albus asked, frowning.
“My Chicken Drumstick from Saturday Night’s dinner. I couldn’t bring myself to eat him. He was my only ally. I did eat his girlfriend though.” I explained brightly. “She was a bitch,” I added on.
Albus stared at me. Scorpius was silent. Then, “Dude. Just stop asking.”
Albus nodded to his friend.
“Anyway,” Rosie said pointedly looking at me. “My feeling sorry for you isn’t the point.”
I should hope not.
“The point is, I heard about what you did in your potions class this morning. With Hilary St. Claire. If your friend Emily is anything like I thought she was, then I guess she told you Hilary was a slut.”
Why am I still defending her?
“Why are you still defending her?” Rose asked frowning. “She did, didn’t she?”
She nodded. “Exactly. She does judge people, and the point is that you didn’t judge. You took my advice and did what I said.”
That had been what I was thinking about when I asked Hilary to sit with me.
Rose shook her head. “We weren’t angry with you, Katie. I couldn’t convince these guys to be angry with you because of what they thought was your friends fault. Plus, you need all the friends you can get.”
It has been a little lonely talking to someone who can’t talk back.
“But I made them not talk to you this morning at breakfast, or anytime on Sunday—” bother very lonely times. “—I needed to see if you could survive without someone to lean on, like you do with Emily.”
I wouldn’t say lean.
Maybe just sway in the general direction of...
“And you could! And I am so proud of you!”
I was once again engulfed in a hug from Rose. And then the boys congregated together in an effort to lift the both of us into the air.
I leaned away from Rosie, still midair, to look at her. “Is this normal?” I asked.
Rose nodded, with a light laugh. “Yes...”
I frowned, “That’s weird.”
This time, they did drop us, all of the boys laughing so hard it was almost deafening. Rose giggled away as well, and Liam joined in.
Lily and Hugo, both who had no idea what everyone else was laughing at frowned. I walked past my hysterical friends and sat down next to them.
“Your family is very weird.” I told them.
Lily frowned. “I know,” Lily said seriously. “Once, Albus has a pet cat named Princess, and he used to play tea parties with him.”
I frowned. “Him who?”
“Him Princess.” Hugo chirped.
I smirked. “Princess is a boy?”
Lily nodded. “Yeah. And Albus used to dress him up in bonnets and dresses and then have tea parties with him.”
As this piece of juicy new information settled in, and Scorpius, Fred and Rose having overheard, burst out laughing once more, Albus stopped laughing.
He stood stiffly and walked forward, grabbing my arm “Time to go.” He said to me. “You’re not even supposed to be up here anyway. You’re not in Gryffindor, your not Seventh year, and your not a boy.”
That’s when it hit me exactly where I was.
“Oh my god.” I exclaimed. “This is the Gryffindor Seventh Year Boys dormitory.”
Albus nodded as though I was insane.
Everyone else seemed to have sobered up at this point. Rose looked excited.
“Do you want to go downstairs now, Katie?” she said, “To the Gryffindor Common room?
I shook my head, launching myself onto the nearest bed.
“Was this Harry Potter’s bed? Did Harry Potter sleep here? Was this where he slept? This is the ceiling that Harry Potter looked at when he went to sleep, thinking about all the life saving he’d need to do when he got up?”
Albus exchanged a look with Fred.
Albus walked over to me, and lifted me by the shoulder, steering me to the door. “Okay Katie. Really starting to think twice about inviting you to my place at Christmas.”
“I’M COMING TO YOUR PLACE FOR CHRISTMAS!” I stared at them all, feeling tears form in my eyes.
“This is the best day of my life...”
“A naked blonde walks into a bar, carrying poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The Bartender says, “I guess you won’t be needing a drink” and the naked lady says—”
There was a moment of silence. Then, “Yes?”
I shrugged. “That’s all I know. The next part he falls through the roof of the library shouting out hilarious profanities,”
I loved recalling The Breakfast Club, to wizards. No one ever knew what it was, but it was my favourite movie.
“So, people,” I said loudly. “We’re looking for correct punch lines! I bet you can make up one that’ll fit.”
It was Albus, Scorpius, Rose and I seated at a table in the Great Hall. Since they kidnapped me on the way to Dinner it was only fair that they escort me to dinner and host me at the Gryffindor table.
After I escaped and lay on Harry Potter’s bed a little more.
Fred seemed to be in deep thought about this, while Albus and Scorpius seemed to be in great debate, heads huddled together as they tried to find the answer.
“Has this ever worked?” Rose asked me with a frown.
I was staring hopefully at the boys.
“Never.” I told her. “And this is my chance.”
Rose frowned at me. “Why is this, your chance? “
I stared at her with raised eyebrows.
“You’re kidding right?” I said to her in astonishment. “Fred Weasley? Humorous genius unrivalled since his Dad’s era. And Albus and Scorpius are supposedly pretty good too.” I shook my head. “It’s really just their looks.” I told her.
Rose’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “Albus? Seriously? He’s not very good looking is he?”
Then, “Call the Matron. We’ve got an emergency. She’s gone blind!”
Rose hit me in the face and I dived away from her hand, landing in Albus’s lap. He jerked in surprise and looked down at me.
I pointed an accusatory finger at Rose. “She hit me.”
Albus smirked while pushing me up again, then he turned back to Scorpius.
I was bright red by the end of it. “How can you not think that that is god sent?” I demanded.
Rose grinned. “He’s my cousin.” She said. “Duh...” Then she narrowed her eyes. “Katie, do you have thing for my cousin?”
I clapped a hand over her mouth and flushed what must have been by now, purple. “Whisper, fool.” I told her hastily. “And no, I don’t.”
She smirked at me, and under the gaze of such smartitude, I had to change the topic.
“What about you and the bleached wonder, eh?” I said pointing to Scorpius, as subtly as possible.
Rose went as red as me and my eyes widened to their limits.
“How did you know?” She hissed in a whisper.
I shook my head grinning. “I didn’t. That was a total fluke of a guess.”
Rose went even brighter red. I smirked as I watched her pedestal reduced in size.
So the girl could get embarrassed. By jove, she’s human.
Rose stared at me for a moment. Then,
“He doesn’t bleach his hair...” She said defensively.
I stared at her with a raised eyebrow. “If I call him bleach boy, it’s gotta be his own fault. He’s calling me twinkle toes.” Then I turned to Scorpius.
Rose frowned. “He hasn’t recently...”
I stared at her silent for a moment with a smirk on my face. Then I twisted in my seat and leaned forward, so that I could see past Albus to Scorpius.
“Oi, Scorpius,” I got his attention.
He looked up from his talk with Albus. “Yeah?”
“Are you gonna call me Twinkle Toes forever?”
Scorpius nodded cheesily at me.
I nodded and then pretended to turn back to Rose. I stopped halfway and looked back at him. “One more thing,” I said. “Do you bleach your hair?”
Scorpius almost fell off the stool. Albus spat his mouthful of food all over Fred, who was laughing so hard that he didn’t even care.
Rose was grinning. People who had overheard went silent waiting for his reaction.
“No...!” Scorpius spluttered. “Where did you get that idea from?”
I shrugged, thoughtlessly. “It just looks kid of unnatural.” I said, “Like you made it that way...”
Scorpius Malfoy stared at me. Then he shook his head, and regained his cool. “It’s totally natural. You girls are just jealous.”
I shrugged, and turned my back on him. “Whatever you say.” I looked at Rose. “He totally bleaches it.”
I didn’t bother turning around as Albus snorted and Scorpius began spluttering again.
“Don’t think I’m forgetting this. Your crush will remain with me forever.” I told Rose in a whisper.
Rose raised a quirky eyebrow. “And so will your crush, Katie dear. And if you’re not nice, then my dear Cousin will find out.”
I almost blacked out.
Rose laughed. “Kidding.” She reassured me. “I’ll take it to the grave.”
I exhaled in relief, the colour coming back into my vision and de-blurring.
Then I turned to Fred and the boys.
“So, guys. Have you figured out the punch line?”
Albus was still chuckling to himself. Scorpius was muttering about natural hair colour and Fred was trying to remove all of Albus’s half chewed food from him with a large bunch of napkins.
“This is so gross.” Fred said.
I frowned. “You are such a girl.”
They all looked at me. “Go on,” I told Fred. “Be a man! Rub some dirt in it.”
Fred frowned. “Why would I do that?”
That was kind of funny, because I always thought when people said that ‘why would you rub some dirt in it?” So now I had no answer for Fred.
I attempted to look unnerved. “Because whatever.” I said.
Everyone who heard snorted.
Must change the subject.
“Hello? I’m waiting for my punch line...” I said looking pointedly at the she-males sitting around me.
“What about,” Albus was the first, “The Bartender says, “I guess you won’t be needing a drink” and the naked lady says, “Katie Dalton just made my day””
I shrugged, kind of interested.
“Here’s mine,” Fred said. ““The Bartender says, “I guess you won’t be needing a drink” and the naked lady says ‘as long as you don’t spit all your gross food all over me,’”
I looked at Albus. “It was kind of gross.”
Albus shrugged. “Rub some dirt in it.” He mocked me.
“That’s even grosser.” I told him. “Besides, I’m a girl, so I’m allowed to be meek. I don’t have to rub anything in anything.”
Scorpius was glaring at me as he told me his punch line. “The Bartender says, “I guess you won’t be needing a drink” and the naked lady says, ‘My hair is completely natural and there have never been, and never will be, a product in it.”
I smirked laughing.
“Yeah,” Rose snorted. “Except for all that gel.”
I slammed my flat hand on the table. “And we have a winner.”
That’s Chapter 9 Folks. Next we’re into the double digits. Which is further than I’ve ever done in a story with an original plotline before.
The blonde joke that you probably recognise is from The Breakfast Club directed by john Hughes and all the Hollywood actors that were mentioned are obviously not mine.
No offense to the Blondes who read this. I’m a member of the better hair colour myself and I love the blonde hair.