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Chapter 40: Wanting
Author's Note: All right! Woo!
TOO MUCH FUN IN THIS CHAPTER!!!! WINK WINK WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE--
Scarlett couldn't believe it. Even though she had been there--how she had been there--she could not believe that any part of it had actually happened, from the tree being Ravenclaw's outlook to the emergence of her curiosity to the kiss. Oh, the kiss. She simply could not believe that Sirius Black had kissed her, and she could not believe that she had kissed him back.
Scarlett couldn't believe herself, either.
She sat on the floor of the outlook the next night, her arms wrapped around her shins and her chin on her knees, staring down in disgrace. She had been troubled with guilt the entire day, her thoughts cleverly evading the situation but her feelings unable to forget it.
She couldn't believe herself.
She felt sick even reminiscing about what had happened in the slightest way. She felt nauseous, absolutely nauseous, thinking in any way about Sirius Black, and she felt ill even being in the outlook now. She felt so, so sick, so, so very wrong, and she could feel it throughout the outlook.
She could feel him throughout the outlook.
Scarlett clamped her eyes shut then, shaking her head ever so slightly. Every single moment and every single memory that had Sirius and the outlook in it had been a constant presence in her thoughts, lurking and causing every action of hers to be guiltily half-hearted. She could remember, vividly, all the times they had talked--and had talked about everything. She could remember when he had begun to come to the outlook, and she could remember when she had fought with him. She could remember when they had become friends and she could remember every single night and every single bloody thing.
She remembered the day after they'd started to be friends and had gone to the Quidditch Pitch.
"What if I told you, right now, that I fancy you?"
She groaned, leaning her head against the tree her back rested on. What if he had? What if he had done something so uncharacteristic of a Gryffindor and bloody talked it out? She would without a doubt be so much better off. She could have told him, logically, reasonably, that it couldn't work out. That she couldn't but she appreciated it, really she did.
But he had kissed her.
And she couldn't get it out of her head. She couldn't get him out of her head now, and it was all his fault, entirely his fault. If he had talked it out, she could have said no. If he had talked it out, then she could have avoided this searing guilt. If he had talked it out, yes, the feeling would still be there, but she could've forgotten about it. She could have.
But, now, she couldn't get him out of her head, no matter how hard she tried to.
She recalled when they had fought, too, and now she could understand what the fight was really all about. Yes, Sirius might have been angry with the fact that she was getting married at such a young age, but he could have also been angry at the fact that it was with Theodore Nott.
"Why do you hate me so much?"
Oh, hell, she thought angrily. I bloody don't.
"It could be because I trust you."
"Ugh," Scarlett moaned, squeezing her eyes shut as much as she could.
"And now... it is a big deal. It's huge."
"Bloody hell," she muttered to herself.
Scarlett opened her eyes to see Sirius approaching her, a smirk prominent on his lips. Ignoring the feelings--the feeling of fancying someone as well as the feeling of guilt and self-loathing-- rising in her, she shook her head. "Bloody hell," she repeated, cringing away from him. "I am not speaking to you."
"What's got you in a strop?" Sirius asked lightheartedly even as Scarlett sent him a withering glare in reply. "Homework? Exams? Has Nott got to you again?"
"You kissed me," Scarlett said bluntly, turning away from him.
"I might have," Sirius said, determined to not be let down by her attitude, "but you kissed me back."
"I am not speaking to you!" Scarlett said sternly. "I'm furious with you!"
"You are not," Sirius contradicted. "If I had to guess what you were feeling in regards to me, I'd say frustrated, confused, and, because it is you, over-thinking it enough so that you are giving yourself a headache. Tell me, am I right?"
"No one asked you to guess," Scarlett replied tartly. "And I told you, I'm not speaking to you so I don't know why you're even bothering--"
"Oh, I love to bother," Sirius retorted. "And I think it's unhealthy to try and repress what needs to be said." At Scarlett's death glance, Sirius added, "You could do that, also. That is pretty expressive."
Scarlett groaned, fed up. "You know," she said, and she almost sounded calm, "I didn't really think about it that much, when it happened. At the time, I thought it was bloody fantastic. But you have no idea--" and her voice turned into a low growl-- "you have no idea what it feels like to wake up and walk right into the arms of someone who trusts you and know that you aren't worthy of it, know that while that person was sleeping you were busy kissing someone else. You have no idea."
"Maybe not," Sirius reasoned, "but you shouldn't be beating yourself up so much."
"Why not?" Scarlett said, and all of a sudden the reality hit her again. "I can't believe myself," she berated. "I cheated. I cheated on my bloody fiancé who I am, for the record, supposed to be marrying in three weeks! Three weeks, Sirius! Three weeks until I tie the damn knot, and I kissed you!"
"See, that is beating yourself up too much," Sirius commented lightly.
"What do you want me to do, Sirius?" Scarlett yelled. "I can't take it back! You can't just take a bloody kiss back, all right?! Even--even if we stop talking, right now, and we never talk again, I can never take it back! Even if I say I hate you I don't! I really bloody don't! And I can't take it back!"
Sirius grinned mischievously. "Would you like to take it back?"
Scarlett groaned. "Yes?" she guessed, but immediately after she put her head on her knees again. "No? I have no idea, Sirius! All I can think about right now is that I'm a terrible person, I really am, and it is all your fault!"
"It's all my fault," Sirius processed, "that you are a bad person."
Scarlett hesitated, realizing her mistake. Shaking her head stubbornly, she replied, "Yes, it is. If it wasn't for you--"
"What did I do?" Sirius asked curiously.
"You kissed me!" Scarlett replied, shaking her head. "You kissed me when you damn well knew that I had a fiancé! You kissed me without even telling me that you fancy me! You just did it! You didn't even warn me!"
"Was I supposed to ask your permission?" Sirius said sarcastically. "And I did tell you. I told you all the time. Hell, I told you three days before we kissed. You were just too afraid to listen."
"Yeah, but you never said--"
"Forget what I never said," Sirius dismissed. "The point is, Scarlett, I told you plenty of times. It wasn't outright, but--I've told you things that I was sure would've made you realize. I danced along the line between being friends and being something else. Actually," Sirius added as an afterthought, "I danced with you, didn't I? How did I dance with you and get away with it?"
"You don't dance along the bloody line," Scarlett murmured, "you tell me."
"I did," Sirius said. "I kissed you."
"Yes, you did," Scarlett said angrily. "You made your damn point. But you thought it was too... conventional... to actually use words."
Sirius shrugged and smiled. "I did what I had to do," he said. "You know," he continued, abruptly changing the subject, "a really long time ago, I knew this was going to happen. That night, you were, if I remember right, trying to teach me how to read the stars, and, again, if I remember right, I was doing badly at it. And so I was just getting really annoyed 'cause I wasn't any good, and so my mind was wondering.
"And I saw a face," Sirius said. "Yours. And I thought I was imagining it, you see, because I fancied you. And you looked the exact same way you did right before I kissed you. When I saw it, I was just thinking it was my imagination, but after I kissed you I realized that, hey, I actually read the stars."
Scarlett huffed, even though her face was a light pink. "So?" she said. "So what?"
"The secret of the world is written in the stars," Sirius said sweetly. "The whole world. The world could have told you that we were going to kiss--I'm just saying."
"You're insufferable," Scarlett groaned, putting her head in her hands. "You are bloody insufferable. I thought I told you that I didn't want to speak to you?"
"I don't like waiting for permission," Sirius said. "I prefer to just go with whatever hits me."
"Oh, yeah, you do," Scarlett said, huffing. "I still can't believe you kissed me," she added. "I can't believe you would do that to me."
"You deserved it," Sirius replied, and he leaned in closer so that his lips were almost touching her ear. "You have to imagine all that you've done to me these past few months. You had what was coming to you."
Scarlett breathed deeply, closing her eyes as the feeling hit her, loud and terrifying but so, so intoxicating. She felt it take over every inch of her, from her toes to her heart to her head, and she almost felt herself moving closer to Sirius to kiss--
"I hate you," Scarlett muttered venomously, shaking her head. "I really, really hate you."
"Really?" Sirius asked, his voice containing poorly-disguised amusement. "Look at me with a straight face and say that. If you can, I won't bug you anymore. Think you can do it?"
"I'm--I'm not going to make a bet with the devil," Scarlett said determinedly, staring straight ahead.
"You don't sound too confident," Sirius guessed, and after chuckling for a second or two he turned to her and moved slightly closer. "Come on," he joked, but it was in a whisper that shot through Scarlett's body in a way that she hated, hated so much, but made her shiver and turn her head the opposite way. Sirius, trying to make his point, stubbornly continued, placing his thumb and index finger on her chin and turning her head so she faced him.
Scarlett was immediately alarmed at the entirely-too-close proximity; their faces were nearly touching. She had to wonder to herself, though: was this what it was like before they had kissed? Had they always been this close, every single night, and she had just never before noticed how close he was--how close his hands were to her body, how their shoulders very nearly touched, and, most importantly, how his lips were only a couple of inches away?
She could not believe the strength of her ignorance, but now that it was gone she felt exactly what the situation called for. Goosebumps danced on her back and arms without any regards to the weather, and her eyes automatically averted down to his lips, her teeth biting down on her own.
"Do you really hate me?" Sirius asked calmly, and Scarlett admired his composure when she so clearly didn't have any. Desperately, she shifted her eyes away from his, but when she couldn't find any escape that put Sirius out of her line of vision she resorted to closing her eyes altogether.
Sirius laughed under his breath. "That's what I thought," he said, and he released his grip on her chin, turning his head straight ahead in unison to her head resting once more on her knees. "You see, I knew that you didn't hate me."
Now that he was not as close as he was minutes ago, Scarlett could feel her logic and reason flooding back into her, as well as her temper and self-loathing. She could feel how her nerves stopped jumping and her heart returned to the pace it was always supposed to go and she could feel her breath coming back.
But she could not help wishing that she was still without composure. She could not help but want that feeling back, because even though she logically shouldn't have liked it at all she craved it. She felt more comfortable now, but regardless she wanted the risk. She wanted the feeling back so, so bad.
"If I don't hate you," Scarlett asked quietly, speaking more to herself than to him, "then what do I ... what do I feel for you?"
Sirius grinned joyously. "You're crazy about me," he stated, leaning in closer to her so that she felt dizzy. "You fancy me," he continued, his face close and right next to hers. "You want me. You can't stop thinking about me. You're infatuated. You feel dizzy when I kiss you--" and he left a trail of kisses on her neck that made her pupils dilate and her breathing become shallow-- "like that."
"You are absolutely, wholly, inescapably and completely head over heels for me," Sirius whispered into her ear, and then he was so, so close, and she felt it again, and then he was there, and she needed to turn away, she needed to get back to Theodore, she needed, she needed...
What she needed wasn't what she wanted.
And, how she wanted Sirius.
In no time he was everywhere, their noses brushing and their lips locked, his hands on any part of her body that he could reach, as her hands entangled irresistibly into his hair. Passionately, Sirius pushed Scarlett so that her back was on the ground and he was lying on her, his defined body melting with hers so that it was impossible to tell where she ended and he began.
Their breathing was heavy, but it was shallow, and it was the only noise in the outlook. It was cold in December, so terribly cold, but both Scarlett and Sirius's hands were placed under the other's shirt and they were incredibly hot, so hot, entirely too hot.
The feeling rushed through Scarlett and it made her dizzy and it wanted her to get closer even though she should have stayed away. It made her want to feel Sirius, made her want to feel every inch of his irresistible body, and she moaned, her fingers gripping the collar of his shirt and slowly making their way down to where the buttons were--
The kiss was suddenly broken by Sirius, and his face turned to rest so that his lips were right by her ear. "Are you sure?" he asked lowly, his own hands stopping right by where the buttons were on her blouse. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Yes," Scarlett said. It was impulse and it was fire and it was her and it was him, burning up under the December sky. "This is what I want."