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Chapter 1: Huh-puff-toose-swim-cat?
disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own Twilight.
a/n: Hey, y'all. New story, eeeeee! I just wrote this bit of satyr when I was bored in
the wee hours of the morning. Enjoy!
“Go out with me,” says James Potter, who just happens to be extremely hot as well as an excellent Quidditch player and gets good grades.
“No!” yells Lily Evans, the super-pretty Head Girl who is also uber-smart. “I’m not going to go out with you just because you’re hot, athletic, smart, and in love with me! What kind of fool do you take me for?”
“Will you go out with me?” asks James again, even though he knows from experience that it will just infuriate her. But why on earth would James leave her alone before he got insulted, screamed at, hexed, or some combination of the three?
“How long do you think they’ll go at it?” Alice asks Ginger. Alice Pruitt, Lily’s best friend who invariably ends up with Frank Longbottom, is also gorgeous and smart.
Ginger Danforth, the other best friend who is also smart and hot, doesn’t reply because she is glaring at Sirius Black and his latest girlfriend.
Sirius, for some odd reason, gets all the girls he wants. His relationships with these girls last for a week, tops, before he dumps the girl, who will always cry about it even though it was obvious he wouldn’t stay with them.
“Oh, staring at Sirius,” says Alice, who’s looked over to see why Ginger didn’t respond. “Do you like him?” she asks, even thought she has already asked this question several times.
“Of course not!” comes the same untrue response.
Sirius gets up suddenly and says to Monique, the newest girlfriend, “It’s over.” Monique runs off crying. Sirius comes over to Ginger and says, “I like you.”
Ginger jumps up and passionately kisses him. Alice yawns.
“SHE SAID YES!” James squeaks. Everyone looks at him.
“Yeah,” says Lily. “Over the course of time that it took to read what was going on with our friends, James and I have bonded and I now realize that I’m in love with him.”
“Mmm,” says Remus Lupin, the sandy-haired scamp. He is smart, hot, nice, and a werewolf, naturally. “Well, what else did you expect?” he asks his friends, who are staring at him. “All that’s happened during this stupid story is exactly what happens in every Marauder-era story! James is annoyingly persistent in asking Lily out, and she rejects him but by the end of the story falls for him. Lily is always friends with Alice (insert last name here) who will get married to Frank Longbottom and have the alternate Boy-Who-Lived, who gets named an unfortunate name. Lily and Alice are also friends with one original character who ends up with me or Sirius, usually Sirius. This OC always denies her feelings toward the object of her affections, but they end up together despite her best efforts.” Everyone stares at him, utterly gob smacked. He shrugs and goes back to his book.
“Well,” says Alice slowly, “what if I don’t like Frank?” Everyone stares at her before Sirius splutters:
“B-but, you-you have to! Lily and the OC can’t be friends with someone who’s named Alice but doesn’t get together with Frank! It’s unheard of! You can‘t be a girl who just happens to be named Alice, but isn’t the Alice that Frank marries!” Everyone nods vigorously at this except for Alice, who looks put out.
“Oh. Well, I like this guy named Jasper Whitlock,” Alice says hesitantly (A/N: Sorry, couldn’t resist. You know what I‘m talkin’ ‘bout, Twilighters). Ginger looks like she’s about to slap Alice. “I guess I could ditch him for Frank even though Frank is really boring and has big ears and Jasper is totally hot, if it means I’d conform to the stereotype,” she adds quickly. Everyone looks relieved.
“Remus,” begins Ginger, “I’d just like to know why I’m not in the actual HP books if Sirius and I fall in love.”
“That’s a good point,” mutters Remus before answering her. “Well, nobody knows. It would seem that you go ‘poof’, so to speak.” Ginger looks stricken.
“Oh, don’t worry,” says Remus. “In a few stories, when Alice isn’t even there, she’s replaced by another OC who falls in love with me.” Alice looks angry.
“What?” she asks. “They just toss me aside like I’m garbage? DANG YOU, CREATIVE AUTHORS!” Jasper comes over to comfort her, but she pushes him away. “Sorry, I have a stereotype to conform to,” she tells him while pointedly looking away. Jasper mopes off to a dark corner where the sun’s rays can’t make him sparkly.
“Anyway,” says Remus, “the point was to comfort Ginger.” He turns to her. “In those stories without Alice, the other OC also ‘poofs’ and is seemingly forgotten.”
“Well,” says Alice, “at least you just go ‘poof’.” Everyone stares at her incredulously.
“I mean, I get tortured into insanity,” she says defensively. “Given the choice, I’d go ‘poof’.”
“True,” says Ginger, looking heartened.
“Remus,” says James, “how do you pick all this stuff up anyway?”
Remus shrugs. “What do you think I’m reading all the time?” Everyone looks at the book that Remus put aside to explain the fundamentals of their lives to them. It was titled HPFF: Thousands of Stories With More Coming All the Time.
“Bit of a mouthful, isn’t it?” remarks Sirius.
“I just refer to it as HPFFTOSWMCATT,” says Remus simply.
“Huh-puff-toose-swim-cat?” says Lily blankly. “Well, to each his own.”
“Based from what I’ve read in here,” says Remus, gesturing to the massive book, “the story should be wrapping up soon.”
“That book is gigantic,” says Ginger. “Merlin, it just grew!” They all watched in fascination as the book grew before their very eyes.
“Well,” says Sirius, breaking the silence, “this has been fun, but I’m stopping this story right here.” He turns to face the reader. “Well? You heard me! Scram! This story is over!”
As the disgruntled reader scrolls down to leave a review, the various characters break into a perky ending song while dancing a dance that has obviously been
choreographed and rehearsed beforehand.
“Sirius!” yells Ginger. “Why didn’t you come to the rehearsals? You’re screwing up the whole dance!”
As Sirius defends himself, the rest of the characters finish up the dance and go back to their stereotypes. Jasper has disappeared.
a/n: Review please! I give you cooookiiee? Review for the sake of chimpanzees
everywhere. Uh, FILBERT!