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Chapter 16: Game Over.
It's a bit hard to read, but it says, You're going down Lupin because this Game Is Over. Casey Connor & Remus Lupin. Who knows what could happen? Well, either way it sure as hell will be interesting, won't it?
"What are you doing here?"
It was a sharp question. Sharper then he intended by the guilty look that quickly flashed his familiar lightly scarred face. He didn't revoke it, however, or say it in a nicer tone.
I felt a slight twist in my chest, but I promptly ignored it. I could nurse my wounds and whatnot when I was good and done here. I felt furious- unbelievably angry as his accusatory look and spiteful tone. "What kind of question is that?" I spat, my eyes narrowing. I shook my head at him incredulously. "You know damn well why I'm here."
He glared forcefully at me. "I obviously don't, do I? I wouldn't have asked if I knew."
"You aren't that stupid." I stated plainly, pointedly.
"Thank you." he retorted coolly.
I rolled my eyes, irritated. "You know, half the time I don't know why I even like you." I claimed angrily. It was a lie. I always knew why I liked him- why I was so ridiculously in love with him. He was kind and caring and self-less and smart and an all around good person. Right now though, despite the fact he was doing this 'for me', all I wanted to do was knock his drool-worthy head against every solid object in the vicinity.
"Then why are you here?" he spat acidly, not completely hiding the hurt look that had flickered over his face with the anger in his voice.
I stared at him in silence for a minute as the seconds ticked away. I took a step toward him, causing him to immediately take one away from me. A sigh of annoyance escaped my lips, but I chose not to say anything about his movements. I looked away from him and around his room instead. My voice lost some of its venom when I finally spoke. "I don't know..." I admitted quietly as I tried to swallow away the sudden thickness in my throat. "I just... I just needed to talk to you. We need to- to talk about this."
"About what?" he asked quickly, his face a sudden mask of emotionless-ness. It sent my anger flaming again. "There's nothing between us to talk about."
I let out a growl, turning to face him, moving too quickly for him to sidestep me. "That's bollocks!" I shouted, stabbing my finger against his shoulder. "That's bollocks and you know it! You know as well as anyone that I'm so stupidly and infuriatingly in love with you!" he flinched and I felt my heart twinge suddenly and painfully in my chest. That was the first time I'd admitted that so openly and aloud to anyone other than Erin, and he acted like it caused him pain. My throat started to hurt and got tight again. So he didn't like me after all. Well, I guess that changes things a bit. "You know that I'm still in love you, despite the fact that you're a werewolf of all things. You know that I'm not just some stupid girl fawning over you for your looks or your friends." I let out a mirthless laugh. "I wish," I snorted, shaking my head. "Merlin knows that'd make this so much easier for me. No, sorry to burst your bubble Remmy, but I've been in love with you since I was 12 years old." I pulled my eyes away from his face again and crossed my arms over my chest as he moved away from me again. "That’s the way it is. That’s the bloody hand I was dealt." I said with bitterness so strong that I couldn’t bother with the energy to stifle it. “Game over, Lupin; because it’s you- it’s always bloody well been you.” My tone shifted from bitter to defeated, bordering on desperation.
A long silence followed. I looked around the room some more, anything not to have to look at Remus. The walls were a pale yellow and the furnishing mostly different shades of green. A flash of light caught my attention and I looked over next to his mattress. The clock on the bedside table read 11:39 in bright red numbers.
The silence was stifling and suffocating. I tried to distract myself again vainly. I ran my fingers over the smooth wood of the desk I was standing next to, tucking a bit of my frenzied hair behind my ear. There were a small stack of books sitting on the desk and I reached to pick one up.
"Why won't you just leave?" Remus questioned quietly and I immediately dropped the book in surprise. It's small thud fell on deaf ears, however.
I snapped my head to see him sitting on his bed running his hands through his hair in frustration. There was a definite note of anguish in his voice though, and I took a hesitant step toward him.
I bit my lip, my eyes stinging a bit. "You really want me to leave, don't you?" I sighed.
A snarl ripped through his lips unexpectedly and he looked at me so quickly it startled me. He was on his feet and quickly making his way toward me. I scurried backwards, my back hitting a wall as he continued to advance toward me. "Of course I don't!" he shouted, his face contorted angrily. "I want you as close to me as humanly possible! Bloody hell, I want to be even closer to you than that!" his breathing was labored and his voice lowered only a few notches, so that he was just talking to me. "All I want is for you to stay with me forever. I can't understand why you're- you're effecting me... like you are. I mean, I barely even know you! It's completely ridiculous-!" he paused, his eyes steady on mine. "... but, I've constantly have you on my mind." A small smile slide over his lips. It was faint, like he didn't even realize it was there. "I've always thought you were incredibly interesting, even before I actually talked to you." A small snort sounded from him. "Even before James and Sirius made your cauldron explode... I always thought you had this something about you... I don't know." his voice was edging closer to a whisper, but still loud in the silence that echoed about the small room. "There was just something..."
My heart pumped rapidly in my chest and I found that just breathing was difficult. "But then," he laughed hollowly. "I actually talked to you." the comment was mildly insulting at first, and he seemed to realize it so he quickly continued. "What I mean is that once I talked to you, that something became even more prominent. I got to see you smile, and laugh, and I got to hear you talk and I couldn't have stopped myself even if I could have seen what was happening. I got to know you, instead of sneaking quizzical peeks at you in the library when no one was watching." he gave a small laugh and shook his head at me, his eyes smoldering me where I stood. "And you think that I want you to leave..." he shook his head again, his eyes unbelievably intense on mine. There was a moment of silence and I felt my calves burning as they tried to hold up my slowly numbing dead weight. "I'd never want you to leave." his face was hovering over mine and his voice was even quieter than it had been. "Never." he whispered.
My breathing was shallow and I swallowed roughly, trying to find words to say as my stomach churned in an oddly pleasant way as he's body just barely brushed against mine. So, mind befuddled, I choked out, “Emma?” questioningly.
Remus gave me a slightly quizzical look, but sighed and shook his head. “I’m not proud of the fact that I used her as a distraction. I just got to the point where I needed something- anything- to keep my mind off of you for a while and she seemed to like me.” He seemed to be very careful not to touch me. “Apparently not.” He added off-handedly. “She made that rather clear in the garden with you. I followed you out there… I suppose that proves how pathetically obsessed with you I really am.” He smiled faintly at me and made to move and cup my face but frowned a dropped it back to his side morosely.
“Then- then why-?” I stammered, my voice hoarse and low. I wanted him to just make that final inch toward me to gain contact, because Merlin knew that I couldn’t make myself move for fear I’d just fall down due to the fact I couldn’t feel my legs anymore.
Remus closed his eyes for a moment before knocking his head roughly against the wall next to my own. A groan escaped his lips and it seemed that he had to force himself to move away from me. "Because I shouldn't want that." he said hollowly. "I shouldn't care about you the way I do. I don't deserve it. Werewolves don't deserve anything." he spat bitterly.
"You're not a werewolf." I said without thinking of how that sounded. Admittedly, I was still a bit distracted by how close he just was to me. It was nothing like the way he'd been at the Christmas Ball. It felt raw and passionately real, as oppose to a drunken twist in fate. Nevertheless, Remus looked over at me incredulously and I felt myself blushing. "I mean- I mean, that you're not a werewolf first." I corrected myself. He now looked mildly confused. I took a step toward him again, only to have him make a move to create more space around us. I understood why he was doing now. He didn't trust himself to be able to focus when he was closer to me. I'll admit that I found this discovery highly exciting. Honestly, to have that effect on a person like Remus... I brought myself back to the point, and tried to make him understand what I was saying. "You're a werewolf once a month," I said, trying to make him see the way I was seeing it. "-but you're Remus at every other moment."
He stared at me for a moment, as though he'd never seen anything quite like me (which I doubt he has) and then shook his head. "That isn't the point." he said, glaring at a spot across the room. "I'm-" he paused, swallowing. "I'm evil, Casey," I felt a chill run down my spine as he said my name, but forced myself to pay attention to what he was saying. "I'm a murderer." he looked at me with a pain streak seeping through his eyes, being quickly replaced by frustration. "I've killed other living things, for Merlin's sake! That makes me a monster! An uncontrollable, inhumane beast! That's who I am-!"
I reached for his arm and didn't let go when he tried to pull it from my grasp. "That's not true," I said quietly. He opened his mouth to protest, but I pressed on. "I suppose that there is... a- a part of you that's killed something before, but you can't control that Remus. The real you can't do anything about that! The real you- who I'm talking to right now- that's you. The guy that- that saves first years from getting bullied," I said with a small laugh. "And helps anyone with their schoolwork when they ask. The boy that is so fiercely loyal to his friends that he'd do just about anything for them. The guy that is a genuinely-" I laughed again at how silly I sounded. "Gods, Remus- who is genuinely nice to every single bloody person you meet!" I let my hand slide down his arm to his hand. I gave it a small squeeze, locking eyes with him. "That's who you are, Remus. That's what you are. That's who you've always been." I paused, taking a small breath of air, doing my best to catch his eyes- even though he was looking determinedly away from me as I tried to do so. "That's why I'm not afraid of you; because you aren't just a werewolf- you're Remus Lupin," I paused again, before adding with a slightly flippant tone. "Who just so happens to turn into a werewolf once a month." I said, smiling faintly at him.
He closed his eyes, sighing deeply. "You're making this much too hard for me."
"Then just stop and listen to me!" I shouted, a trace of pleading in my tone. "Just listen to me," My other hand grasped his arm. "Please." I whispered.
Remus shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"No you aren't." I snapped, furious at his attitude.
He opened his eyes and they narrowed as he looked down at me. "Yes," he bit out, pausing only a fraction of a second for emphasis. "I am."
"Then why are you doing this? If you care about me as much as you say you do, then why are you trying to do this?" I shouted, feeling tears stinging my eyes again. "Why are taking yourself away and- and just telling me that you won't be with me?"
"Because it's what's best for you." he said lowly, swallowed roughly as he avoided my gaze. "You'll be happier if you have a life without me. I'm- I'm sure of it." he looked down at me now and his face crumpled in what I would normally think is an adorable way. However, I was a bit too distraught at the moment to notice, to be honest. "Please don't cry." he begged quietly. "Merlin, Casey, please don’t... I’m sorry, please just don’t cry…" His hands seemed to be itching to reach out and take hold of me but he forced them to stay in place roughly at his sides.
I looked up at the ceiling, holding the tears back best I could. "Then stop pushing me away." I retorted to him thickly, my throat scratchy but it was easy to hear the slowly returning anger in my voice.
"I can't." he returned in frustration. "I can't do that."
"Yes you can!" I snapped, bring my eyes back to his with a burning rage flashing furiously through my blue irises. "You can stop this whole 'protecting me from you' act and just-"
"This isn't easy for me either, you know!" he growled suddenly.
"Then why the hell won't you just stop shooting this pile of dung at me and make it easier for the both of us?" I shouted, pulling at the roots of my hair in frustration.
"Because!" he shouted. "I'm not going to let you be drug down to my level! I care about you and I don't want you to have to deal with the things I will just because you're linked to me! I'm telling you right now, I refuse to allow it!"
"Well I'm not leaving until you bloody well 'allow' it!" I yelled back at him, knowing that I sounded a bit childish.
It's safe to say that I didn't give a damn about sounding childish.
"I hope you enjoy the house then." he snapped and he stomped toward the door.
I felt a wave of panic wash over me and I sprinted over to the door and stood in front of it. "You aren't leaving either!" I shouted, putting my hand over the doorknob behind my back.
"Try and stop me!" he growled, reaching around me for the knob. He hand wrapped around mine and he froze for a moment. He hand was warm and slightly callus against mine and I felt my heart splutter to a stop for a moment before beating overtime. It was like a small electrical shock. The kind you get when something drags their feet around and then thinks it'd be funny to poke you in the ear- but this was bigger. It was flooding through my entire system at an alarming rate.
He face was inches from mine and he seemed highly aware of this fact, but he couldn't seem to make himself move away. His body was pressed lightly against my own, and I was positive that he could feel how fast my heart was pounding in my rapidly rising and falling chest.
I slowly brought my eyes up and looked at him, finding he was already staring down at me. A moment passed and I felt my eyes wander down his face. I'd never really been this close to him, except for the Christmas Ball, and he didn't look nearly the same as he did right now. The faint scars littered over his face and his wide amber eyes were locked onto my own. I saw his eyes dart quickly down to my lips and I held my breath.
Then, quite suddenly, his lips were on mine.
It wasn't a quick kiss, nor was it particularly gentle. I felt his arms wrapping around my waist quickly and his lips moving rhythmically on mine as he crushed his body against my own. My eyes fell closed and I snaked my arms around his neck, pushing his face closer hungrily.
I wiggled and moved myself to the side a bit, just to get the doorknob out of my back, and heard Remus make a low groaning sound. He gripped me more tightly and I found that I was quickly being guided, stumbling, to another part of the room.
I felt Remus' mattress against my knees and we collapsed in a tangle of limbs on his bed. One of his arms was still wrapped around my waist, pulling my tightly against the firm contours of his chest. Meantime, the other hand was propping him up slightly so he wasn’t suffocating me. He seemed to be exerting a lot of self-control because he wasn’t pushing it any further than that. I, on the other hand apparently didn’t have the same amount of self-control, and was pulling on his shirt rather impatiently. We pulled away reluctantly after a few moments, gasping and spluttering for air. I opened my eyes and looked up at him and found we were both panting slightly with the desperate need of air. My befuddled mind realized that he looked ready to say something all the same.
"We- we haven't come to any sort of agreement." he gasped out, running a slightly unsteady hand through his hair. "I still think- think that you're better off without me." He informed me, eyeing me uncertainly as I continued in my attempts of getting him to lose interest in talking and kiss me again.
At that statement, however, I glared furiously at him. "And I still think you're a complete and total ignoramus." I growled, pulling his lips back to mine. "So we're even."
He pulled away after another moment, which irritated me mildly, however he surprised me by smirking ever so slightly. "Well, as long as we've got that bit settled..." he said sarcastically, eyes dancing in amusement.
I nodded my head. "Yeah." and pulled his face back to mine quickly before pulled back a little. "But you'll see things my way, don't worry."
Of course, we both knew that he would. God bless hormones.
Suddenly in what seemed to be a world away, a lot of noise was taking place. Yelling and banging and screaming, and it took me a few moments to figure out what it was for.
And as the chimes and shouting rang through our entire time zone, I realized that the clock had just struck midnight.
The funny thing is; I was almost too distracted to notice. Never, even in my most obsessive-Casey-stalker-like daydreams, had I imagined I'd be laying here in Remus' room, in his arms, snogging my way into the year of 1977. Never.
And believe me, that's saying something.
As he bent back down to my lips, I couldn't help but marvel at everything that happened to get me to this wonderful, wonderful, point. Thoughts of Sirius and James and Peter and even Lily, all helping me along the way flashed throughout my mind's eye. Erin, doing everything a best friend is supposed to do. Bloody hell, even Emma Yoast and her goonies helped me out, inadvertently of course, but I’m not a stickler for the minor details as you all must know by now. However, over everything else, the one thing that truly surprised me most of all was the fact that it was me who actually did this.
I mean, everyone else gave me the steps and the pushes and whatnot, but I was the one that actually- you know, 'made it happen’!
It was just like Sirius admitted to me that night not so long ago; 'I think you had it in you all along... I just gave you a shove in the right directions, s'all. The rest of it, though, that was all you...'
Well, apparently for perhaps the first time, Sirius Black seemed to get something right. I had it in me to make Remus see, and I'd gone out and done what needed to be done. I had the confidence and the personality I always pictured myself lacking- it just, you know, took me a wee bit longer than everyone else to see it.
Huh... now who would've guessed that quiet, plain, clumsy, socially-awkward little Casey Connor could have possibly had that up her sleeve this whole time?
Well then, at least I’m not alone on that notion…
Ta da! There you are! That's the end everyone! I hope you all liked it as much as I enjoyed writting. If you have anything to say feel free to let me know in a review of adoration for me. *grins* Any questions? Feel very free to leave a few in my Meet The Author page! xD
Thanks everyone! It's been loads of fun writting this story and hearing your responses! I hope that you stay with me as I test my footing with my next story, which I plan on being an Oliver Wood/OC story. Thanks again everyone!