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The Grass Is Much Greener on the Other Side by private_ryan
Format: Short story
Chapter 9: Itís not a Side Effect of the Drugs, Iím Thinking It Must be Love and Death
Disclaimer: I do not own anything with the exception of this computer which still may raise some eyebrows. So I own nothing. xD
“I have been publicly embarrassed for the last time.” I muttered on November 1st in the girl’s dormitory to Lily and Sirius. After having your pants ripped and exposing your pink polka dotted under garments you would skip the rest of Halloween too.
I hate Halloween. It’s a stupid Holiday, who in their right mind would enjoy getting mass amounts of candy that, will only be harmful to your body; namely your teeth.
I know I wouldn’t.
“What ever are you going to do?” Lily sighed sarcastically pulling out some gummy bears.
“Where did you get those?” I snapped pointing to the miniature bears. Lily quickly stashed them behind her back.
“Get what? I don’t know w-what you’re talking about. I don’t have anything! Nothing, you hear! N-o-t-h-i-n-g!” she stammered out.
“The Gummy bears, where did you get them?” I ask again my eyes twitching involuntarily.
“What Gummy Bears? I don’t have anything you hear?” she says quickly looking around the room at everything but me.
“Surely…” I began slowly, “Surely you didn’t get them yesterday from the feast in the Great Hall. I would be…so…disappointed.”
Lily shook her head. “Nope, I definitely did not get them there, if I had even gotten any I mean…” Lily muttered and looked down.
“Why would anyone like gummy bears in the first place? They get in your teeth and slowly begin to rot the middles, creating an empty space for more germs to eat your once healthy tooth and every time you suck in your tooth hurts like a mother getting ran over by a bulldozer. BAM!” Sirius explained.
Thank you side effects for the lovely image now imprinted within the walls of my brain.
The next day we had the best class in the world to attend too! Notice my sarcasm, because there is nothing, let me repeat this for emphasis: nothing more boring in the world than sitting through History of Magic.
Unless you’re Lily; she apparently loves hearing the professor drone on about Dragon Tales, and I don’t mean the TV show either.
We entered the classroom and saw that the Professor was sleeping. Did I mention he was like eighty years old? He has whiter hair than snow, and even that’s an understatement. He has the most boring expressions; oh wait…he has no expressions. He’s shorter than five feet and has to use a stool to talk from his podium.
Anyway…upon the blackboard there was a new seating arrangement. Oh dear mother of pearls at the bottom of the ocean.
I heard Lily gasped and moaned; sounding much like a killer whale that was dying. I spun to face her, I’m telling you now you really should try that, and asked, “What?”
“I got a seat…next to James Potter.” She mumbled and went to the nearest wall and started banging her head on it.
I looked at the board, since I obviously don’t mind that Lily is afflicting brain damage upon herself at this moment in time and see that I have landed my seat next to Remus Lupin.
It doesn’t bother me, since he never talks. I’ll probably do the rambling and he’ll think I’m an idiot and the world will turn. Which is an excellent soap opera by the way; but I don’t watch it or anything because you know they’re-they’re-the- okay fine I do.
“Lily, you are aware that walls contain millions of germs.” I smirked. This was the wrong, stupid thing to say because at that very moment she whipped out her hand sanitizer and started rubbing some on her forehead.
“That only kills 99.9 percent of all germs. What about the other 0.1 percent?” Sirius stated walking into the classroom with the rest of the class.
“That’s why I have baby wipes!” she replied enthusiastically, pulling a pack out of her backpack.
“So then the spider’s eggs hatched, and they were inside the ladies head!” Peter told me, even though I told him not once, not twice, but three times to shut the heck up.
Obviously he didn’t because he told me. “Pete, I don’t care about your grandma’s weird roommate and the spiders that reside in her head and come out her nose!” I yelled and everyone in History of Magic, with the exception of the Professor whom was sleeping, stared at me.
I went to go in my usual seat and Teely Ryan had her butt in my chair.
Do you not see the dilemma?
“What are you doing?” I snapped and she pointed to the blackboard.
The blackboard wasn’t even black for Pete’s sake. It was green.
Who the heck is Pete and why should we care about his sake anyway?
Surely not Peter Pettigrew, I could care less about his sake’s after that story he told me.
I scanned the board, the green board, and saw that I landed my arse next to Lily Evans. Oh fantastic.
I dragged my way to the back desk, I really rather have spiders crawling inside my head instead of sitting next to her. I really, really, really- but wait!
I can get her to spill some of Teely’s secrets.
James, you are a genius!
“Hey Lily Flower,” I casually said taking a seat to the left of her. Up close you can really see the frizz of her hair. Dang, it’s like a tree; it’s everywhere! Oh God, what if it eats me?
And today, boy gets eaten by….frizzy hair. How do you say that without laughing?
“I swear if you say that one more time…” she began and then took five deep breaths. Um…okay.
“Are you doing yoga or something?” I laughed. She was sitting cross-legged in a chair taking deep breaths. Normal people don’t do that, thank you.
She glared me down. “No.” she snapped and resumes doing…whatever the heck she thinks she’s doing.
“Then what the heck are you doing!? I’m not sitting by a freak.” I explained cocking an eyebrow.
“Pilates.” She says brightly.
Can someone say Mood swings?
“Same thing,” I muttered and she sighs and starts pulling out a….dear macaroni, a pocket sized dictionary.
“Yoga is a school of Hindu philosophy advocating and prescribing a course of physical and mental disciplines for attaining liberation from the material world and union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle. However Pilates is a system of exercises that promote the strengthening of the body, often using specialized equipment.” She explained.
“Anyone who knows that must have no life.” I told her dryly.
“Well you know anyone who doesn’t know that might as well be classified as a cow.”
“Please, women a cow. You have to make your insult believable.” I laughed.
“Fine, a loser?” she tried and failed miserably.
“No, how about a hobo.” I suggested and smiled at her stupidity.
“Your mom’s a hobo.” She retorted and then laughed, “How’s that?”
I was about to say perfect when all of a sudden, a horrible, ear-splitting scream filled the classroom.
Everyone looked at a said; Ms. Bedford when she stopped and began yelling profound things at her: asking her why in pumpkin pie’s name why was she yelling?
We waited in silence until she uttered, “Professor….Pro-Pro-Pro-Pro”
“I’m Pro-life.” Someone issued.
“Professor- Dead.” She finished and fainted.
“Your mom’s a professor.” Lily whispered making me crack up while everyone else was gaping at the Professor’s dead body? He couldn’t be…dead.
“Professor at what?” I asked while everyone was glaring at me for laughing.
“Fill in the blank.” She muttered and once again I was about to say something when another person yelled.
The professor was alive….but as a ghost? Only at Hogwarts.
“Sorry must’ve dozed off. Anyway the Dragon Tales…” he went on as if nothing happened.
How do you tell your professor he’s dead?
“Professor-you’re dead.” Obviously Peter answered the question for me.
Can ghosts faint? Because this one did.
“Your mom’s a game boy and I play her all day long.” I smirked not really caring about this latest development. It was time we finally got some excitement in this class.
“Your mom’s a three way game.” Lily retorted and that’s when it hit me.
Not literally of course, not like a tree hitting a house after a hurricane.
Did I like Lily Evans?
A/N: you know the drill. No not stop, drop, and roll. Review :] Alright so the defintiions of yoga and pilates were from the dictionary...:]